By Dave Bushy, PCC
Much of our work in coaching involves exploration. We explore how others experience us and spend time in deep reflection about it.
Equally important is the work we do exploring our own thoughts and feelings. It is both heart and mind-driven and so very important to our ability to grow and expand our range as human beings.
One of my favorite lines of questioning for a client usually emerges when they are speaking about how they might have reacted to a situation. For instance, they might tell me about challenging interactions with others. I listen to them express their thoughts and often hear words like:
“I can’t let my emotions show – leaders shouldn’t do that.”
And then I might ask: “Tell me about a situation when you feel this way.”
“Well, I begin to think about the situation or person saying something and how they are doing their job. I sense that they just don’t ‘get’ it. I can feel the stress building inside and I very often go into problem-solving mode. Then I become agitated and very directive in my words and approach and all my patience seems to fall by the wayside.”
“It sounds like a lot going on inside of you. And it seems that it might be even be spilling out into your actions and words,” I add.
“Exactly, and then I fail in my goal of being a calm and balanced leader.”
“Let’s get back to what you are experiencing when this happens. Please tell me.”
“My stomach is tight. And I’m really angry.”
“So, anger,” I say. “You’ve named it. What could you do with that once you’ve identified it?” As I ask, I put my hand to my heart.
“Well, before I even open my mouth, maybe I could do some self-reflection on what is causing the anger. Often, I think it’s my own well-developed impatience. Once I do that, I can begin to get it under control.”
“Fascinating. So, you can name it and identify its origins. How does it feel to name what you are experiencing and then “tame” that feeling?” I ask. “And how long did that internal work take?”
“Well, when you put it that way, it’s kind of eye-opening for me. In a short period of time – maybe even 20 seconds – I can identify what it is that is bothering me and put a name to it. Then, you’re right, I can tame that same feeling and not let it get out of hand.”
“And what else?”
“I can ‘frame’ those feelings and thoughts into useful action. As an example, the anger I feel is not helpful when I’m dealing with others. Especially since I am often angry at myself. I can frame what I’m feeling in a far more useful way.”
“What comes to mind?”
“Well, I can deal with the facts rather than the anger. I can frame the emotion into an expression of concern about the situation at hand.”
We went on to talk about what the client wanted to try. In later sessions we explored successes and even some failures in how they were “expanding their range” as a leader. Each successive session built on the other as I used inquiry to learn more from the client and used an arsenal of what I call “powerful questions,” to help them discover more about how they could more effectively handle situations.
At one point, the client related to me what they had learned about the internal work that had become a part of their way of being. I still smile when I remember their words:
“Name it, tame it and frame it!”
Dave Bushy of Boston Executive Coaches – bostonexecutivecoaches.com – is a an ICF-certified coach who was trained at the Gestalt International Study Center (GISC). Dave is a former U.S. Army officer and senior airline executive who works with leaders throughout the world.
Image by Antonio López from Pixabay