October 16, 2024
By Dave Bushy, PCC
In life and in coaching, we inevitably contend with a desire to be different. We want to try something new, to be a changed person or to modify our way of doing things. Essentially, it becomes a search for “What Can Be.”
Too often, we forget to fully appreciate who we are and how that is working. We don’t stop to recognize “What is,” with its attendant benefits and costs.
Clients come to coaching with a distinct desire to add new skills or to become different types of leaders but, believe it or not, the initial stage of a coaching engagement is helping the client become fully aware of who they already are and carefully exploring all aspects of themselves. Appreciating the “what is” of who they are almost seems like a non-sequitur to some clients until they begin to realize that they are an established, successful human who has used their way of being throughout their lives. And that, in fact, they cannot start doing something different or add a new skill or attribute until they first take the time to recognize significant attributes or skills they already have.
There is a term for this non-sequitur called “The Paradoxical Theory of Change.” It was first coined by Dr. Arnold Beisser who wrote in “Gestalt Therapy Now,” in 1970:
“Change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is — to be fully invested in his current positions.”
As human beings, we all have a tendency to speak about what we can do in the days ahead and what we will achieve as a result without first focusing on today. I sometimes joke that I am “Reminiscing about the future.”
A while back a client received feedback gleaned from personal interviews with colleagues and 360’s. She learned that others experienced her as not speaking up enough, as shying away from confrontations and even as sitting in the back of the room during executive discussions.
In a session shortly after the feedback, she offered that she would henceforth aim to be a person that spoke often and forcefully and that she would lean into challenging discussions – both verbally and physically.
I listened attentively and asked, “Can we first talk about what you are doing now and how it is working for you?”
“Of course, but I know I need to change,” she insisted.
I acknowledged her desire and then gently asked, “How accurate are those observations?”
“It’s true – I am quiet and I spend a lot of time in the background, even though I’m an executive.”
“Tell me more,” I invited.
“I listen carefully and watch the body language in the room. I can hear the words and see the dynamics in a way others don’t. Sitting back a little allows even more understanding of what’s happening.”
“That sounds useful. Anything else that comes to mind?”
“I can come up with ideas to offer into the conversation. But sometimes I’m so wrapped up in listening that I don’t enter into the conversation right away.”
“Based on what is working for you, what could you add that would help you get your points across?”
She thought for a while and spent some more time in reflection and inquiry about what the well-developed sides of her style were and how they allowed her to see things that other people did not and observe interpersonal dynamics in a way that benefited the larger team.
“Would you like to change who you are?” I asked.
“No, it’s working for me, but I would like to add the ability to lean in and to press forward with the ideas that I develop while I am sitting back.”
For my client, exploring the paradox was critical. She knew that she had a capability that supported her success and she chose to incorporate the capability to add other skills – not to lose the first.
It happened because she spent time on appreciating “What is,” before deciding “What Can Be.”
Dave Bushy of Boston Executive Coaches – bostonexecutivecoaches.com – is a an ICF-certified coach who was trained at the Gestalt International Study Center (GISC). Dave is a former U.S. Army officer and senior airline executive who works with leaders throughout the world.
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay