By Allison Iantosca, PCC
It’s not uncommon for a client to tell me they feel stuck. With a hint of worry that something is broken or not working right. A symptom of change that is raw and uncomfortable and very, very real…a perfect place to begin.
Because what exactly is it to be stuck?
I’ve written before about the power of habits. Habits that protect, defend, shelter, shield, remove us from the day-to-day dangers we face as we human our way through the permutations of this perilous life. Even as I write that sentence, I sense the potency of any one of these chosen armors. The necessity attached to survival instinct.
Why would we ever want to give up on any behavior that helped us make it this far in life?
The trouble is these habits are also the primary barriers to safety: the actual place of centered power and sustained happiness. Why? Because they require poor judgment to survive. They need us to endure some sense of everything being bad so we can be good. Or, at least, so we can know what to do.
Here are some examples:
- I beat myself up before anyone else can.
- I work hard to be adored and cherished by everyone.
- I stand up, raise my voice, prove my point and defend my team to a fault.
- I do all of the things I do to keep this company on track.
All of the behaviors noted above have terrific merit. They operate as truths that can get us what we think we need. Unfortunately, they all have a limit. A cost. A downside. Something too painful, too ineffective, too exhausting. So, when they begin to take their toll, we seek help. A rescue. “Tell me how to change. Tell me how I should be.”
And here is where the sense of being stuck comes in. Because the first order of business is not what you think. It is not to create a step-by-step path to move towards the undoing of these little gremlins. It is not to name all of the reasons why they don’t help, so we hate them even more. And it is certainly not to try to expel them from our being never to be heard from again.
Quite the contrary. The first step is, in fact, to appreciate these behaviors. To acknowledge them for what they ARE doing before bothering with what they are not doing. To love them as a part of our own safeguarding and to name what we are doing with them instead of getting rid of them. It’s an odd paradox but the more we lean into “what is,” the more we can actually begin to change.
Consider the additions to the statements above, with an appreciation for what each IS doing:
- I beat myself up before anyone else can, so I won’t be taken off guard.
- I work hard to be adored and cherished by everyone. If everyone else is happy, I will be happy.
- I stand up, raise my voice, prove my point and defend my team to a fault. Loyalty is the most important part of my leadership. Even if the higher ups think I’m inflexible.
- I avoid my boss and only answer the questions I can’t ignore. In order to become what my boss wants me to be, I have to change who I am at my core, so I avoid talking to her.
- I do all of the things I do to keep this company on track. This is the only way people will know I care and that I won’t let things go off the rails.
Every one of these habits supports an incredibly important and even justified way of being. A commitment. A narrative held that fuels a way of surviving. In coaching, as clients become more and more aware of what they are doing and why, they may feel temporarily stuck. Letting go of something so incredibly familiar for the unknown and untested alternative options.
I say, what an amazing thing to do to offer ourselves deep love and appreciation as we begin to form new relationships with the choices we actually have. To acknowledge and move bravely towards the fear of letting it go. To allow ourselves to ideate new and healthy ways to see and, consequently, manage our biggest worries. To have conversations with our fears and ask them what they need. To change our habit behavior. It’s the most potent way I know to change the world we live in.
And stuck-ness is short lived. I promise. It’s just a symptom of progress. Would you like to get stuck?
Allison Iantosca is a Gestalt International Study Center (GISC) trained coach certified by ICF with extensive leadership and management experience. She is an Executive Coach and is the Owner and President of Boston based FH Perry Builder.
*Photo Credit: Buddha Elemental 3D, Unsplash