By Allison Iantosca, PCC
In coaching, clients generally come seeking support for some kind of change they’d like to make in themselves. It could be in how they feel, what they see, or how they behave. Of course. That is why we’re here as coaches. To create a different possibility. A new paradigm for thriving.
Interestingly, whatever the change, it is often moving towards something the client wants to be “normal” for them. A way of being or an attitude or a position. “How can I make that normal for me?” as if there is some recognized way of being that we don’t yet possess that would feel a whole lot different than our current vibe. Okay. But what happens when that becomes our normal?
For instance, so far, today feels pretty normal. My schedule is filled with clients and calls. I have a few proposals to write. Some writing I’d like to fit in. The dogs needed to be walked, my son dropped off and picked up from school on his normal schedule. No particular plans for a coffee or a lunch or even a nice dinner. It is a Friday. We will order pizza just like last week. Honestly? Not terribly exciting…yet I’ve worked hard to get to have this kind of day. Normal.
And with all of that, an expectation that inside all of the external regularity I, too, should feel normal. Steady. On task. Open. Levelheaded. The warm hum of having arrived. That there is nothing to be worked up about. No reason for emotional stewing or striving or yearning. I’ve got everything in place. Normal on the inside as well as the outside.
The trouble is, “what is commonly accepted as normal can actually mean we are functioning at a significant level of delusion” (Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart, page 225). We are lulled by overstimulation, grasping at an imagined benchmark that hardly matters anyway. The fact is, we may have even already walked into the life we want to live but once it’s normal we want it to be something else. We are unable to extract ourselves from the invisible matrix of “never enough” that dismisses out current reality.
Work environments can be particularly dangerous. We have a tendency to lock ourselves into the norms of work culture and adopt mythical definitions of what success looks like. Then we wait for someone else to say or do something to free us from the extortion of our assumptions.
I’m here to tell you that “someone” is you.
You are meant to have your own feelings and empathy and character as part of your normal decision-making process. Your skill set and what you have already accomplished already count. Not having it all figured out is true for everyone and is part of life.
I think there is a worry that if we allow things we don’t like or can’t control or don’t fully understand about ourselves to be normal, we have somehow failed. We tell ourselves we are emotional but should be steady. When we rest, we should strive. We don’t know what’s next, so we plan. Imagine the power in not wasting so much time validating what isn’t and directly inviting honesty and vulnerability into what is. What can take days to unravel in “not normal” then, can be solved in minutes.
So much of what coaching can do is work with you to fence off unhelpful idealism and perfectionism. It can help reframe how you see yourself and de-identify with the falsehoods held in a delusional stew. Only then, when you capture your normal in a gentle awareness, can you ask it if it would like to be something else.
And, even that would be beautifully normal.
Allison Iantosca, PCC is a Gestalt International Study Center (GISC) trained coach certified by ICF with extensive leadership and management experience. She is an Executive Coach and is the Owner and President of Boston based FH Perry Builder.
*Photo Credit: Chadra Oh, Unsplash