By Dave Bushy, PCC
I suppose we’ve all experienced it: for some reason two people who work together don’t “click.” And, in truth, just don’t like each other.
As an executive leading senior teams, I often faced situations like this. I’d be less than transparent if I also didn’t admit that, at times, I’ve also been one of the two people who didn’t get along. Working as a professional coach with clients for the past 12 years, it seems to be a common theme in human organizations.
What is a leader to do when they experience this phenomenon? The short answer: it depends.
Actions like saying, “You two just need to get along” seldom work in any more than a superficial way. The two individuals who are told to get along often just work harder on appearances of cordiality and teamwork in order to please the boss. But deep down the enmity continues to exist and often grows like an iceberg beneath the surface of the sea.
A coach gets curious and uses inquiry to build awareness for a client. I encourage leaders with whom I work to do the same, asking them to fully explore the dynamics of any relationship before encouraging their subordinates to move to any kind of action.
Here are some questions that I ask clients who are leaders to consider to help them build awareness:
To what extent are you, the leader, part of the dynamic?
Every “triangle” of three individuals has unique characteristics. For instance, have you inadvertently triggered the ill will between the two individuals?
I remember interviewing for a senior executive role in a company. The CEO assured me that I would have a number of departments reporting directly to me. Two weeks after I started the job, as I was still finding my way in the company, the boss called me into his office and said, “He (a departmental leader) doesn’t want to report to you, but don’t worry, I’ll smooth it over. In the meantime, he will report to me.”
But his “smoothing over” never materialized. And the dynamic which I learned later was that the CEO never told the individual of his assurance to me of the reporting structure and apparently never intended to do so. The two of us who didn’t get along were part of a “triangle” created by the boss and neither one of us ever figured it out. Bad blood continued throughout our time together and that is more than regrettable, because it not only affected each of us individually, but also spilled over into other parts of the organization.
Even if you didn’t create the enmity between two people, are you inadvertently helping to prolong it?
Often, we try to make things better and take on roles that we think will help. For instance, some bosses see themselves as mediators. While this can be a worthwhile role, it’s best to first consider how professional mediators work. Like coaches, they seldom tell people what to do. Instead, they seek to open up conversation and explore relationships and help two people see themselves as part of a “system” (in this case, a two-person dynamic). They often bring the two individuals together and do a lot of listening and some gentle inquiry. Questions like, “What are you two most challenged by,” can help open up conversation. Other inquiries, like “What do you see as your role in the company,” can also build awareness. And if the opportunity presents itself, even asking “How do you see the other person,” serves the process.
Mediators meet with the two people together and occasionally it serves them to listen to each of the people individually in separate conversations. But mediators work diligently to never characterize what one person said about the other. They let the two parties always share open communication with each other and facilitate development of the relationship.
A boss can inadvertently stumble into a level of “triangulation” by only meeting individually with each of the two people, hearing their concerns and then accepting the role of communicator and even arbitrator, deciding what actions each individual should undertake and then solidifying his or her role as the only person who has the answers. Directives to each individual to help improve the relationship often devolve into a level of distrust towards the boss, with no level of improvement in the relationship between the two individuals.
What outcome are you seeking in your role as boss?
This may well be the most useful starting point for anyone. Exploring your own part in the dynamic is critical. Ask yourself questions like, “Have I been clear about the roles of both these people,” helps everyone understand expectations. And “How do these two people communicate,” can help open up more possibilities.
And, most importantly, stay in awareness-building to serve the two individuals. That is the most cautionary guidance I would give any leader who faces the inevitability of a strained relationships between two people.
Here’s the kicker: As difficult as it might seem, the boss needs to stay in awareness and withhold action. The leader can ask questions like “So what do you guys see,” or “What would you like to change?” The two people are a system and it is their journey and the actions are theirs, individually and collectively.
If you feel yourself just wanting to tell people what to do, and fall back on the “Just get along,” take a deep breath and pause. And just get more curious.
Dave Bushy of Boston Executive Coaches – bostonexecutivecoaches.com – is a an ICF-certified coach who was trained at the Gestalt International Study Center (GISC). Dave is a former U.S.
Army officer and senior airline executive who works with leaders throughout the world.
Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay
Dave Bushy of Boston Executive Coaches – bostonexecutivecoaches.com – is an ICF-certified coach who was trained at the Gestalt International Study Center (GISC). Dave is a former U.S. Army officer and senior airline executive who works with leaders throughout the world.