By Dave Bushy, PCC
The idea of forgiveness may be one of the most challenging of human concepts. I suspect it’s because our own complexity causes us to hold onto and process so many other emotions that can get in the way of the grace that is inherent in the simple act of forgiveness.
Forgiving is important to any relationship, beginning with the one we have with ourselves. When I work with clients, I sometimes hear them berating themselves over an action they might regret or a decision that they feel is somehow flawed. It’s my role as a coach (and fellow traveler on this planet) to help them fully explore what they are experiencing when they tell me about such situations.
The same goes for the concept of forgiving others for actual or perceived actions or injustices against us.
Clients struggle with their own emotions about such situations and often feel stuck. Perhaps because there is a weight to carrying any of our experiences. Knowing what gives them that weight is foundational to their understanding of themselves. And knowing what adds to that weight is key to growth.
I recently spoke with a client who had been removed from his position – effectively demoted within the organization.
“People tell me I should shrug it off. That I should forgive, forget and move on.”
“And what do you want?” I asked.
“I’d like to tell off my boss – kind of metaphorically punch him in the face. I have a hard time not hating him.”
“Let me know what you are experiencing right now as you say that.”
“I wake up every night reliving just how bad I felt when he told me I was being moved.”
“Tell me more, please.”
“I chose someone to lead the project management for a client deliverable. We assembled a team and devised a strategy, a full plan of action, milestones and even key performance indicators.”
“What else?”
“Well deadlines began to be missed, we began to go way over budget and…”
“Just to interrupt for a second, what happened before things started going wrong,” I asked.
“The boss appeared to be on my case to make a change, but I chose to stay the course.”
The client and I discussed this in detail, teasing out the events that transpired, the conversations that occurred and the learnings he had gained – including the fact that his read on the boss was incomplete. The boss was not a strong communicator, but my client admitted that he had not read the signals well.
“As we talk, are you still having a hard time not hating him?”
“Well, it sure doesn’t serve me to sit with such a strong emotion as hate. It almost feels as if it is hurting me and that the boss might not even care – or of course, not even know that I have such a feeling.”
Again, a deep dive into what this meant to the client ensued. As the client spoke, he explored how it was not particularly useful hating someone.
“It’s costing me sleep and even my health,” he said.
“Well, what choices do you see for yourself? I asked.
“I suppose the opposite of hate is forgiveness. But it hurts to even think about forgiving someone like him.”
Through other sessions we explored this very feeling that they client held onto. As he spoke at length, it became apparent to him that the concept of hate or even holding a grudge was not at all useful. That it was costing him tremendously.
“If I forgive my boss, it need not be to his face. It is more of a gift to me to be able to release my own strong emotions and to reframe my feelings towards him in a useful way.”
Forgiveness is a powerful thing. I know that I have experienced times when I felt the same emotions as my client. At one point I was listening to a pastor whom I respect. He was speaking to a large congregation, but his words hit me as I was picturing a person who I felt had treated me unfairly. The pastor’s words spoke of the power of forgiveness, and I meditated upon them. As I worked hard on forgiveness, it came to me that I was letting go of something within myself.
I chose to transition from hate to forgiveness and it released me, just as it did for my client.
Dave Bushy of Boston Executive Coaches – bostonexecutivecoaches.com – is a an ICF-certified coach who was trained at the Gestalt International Study Center (GISC). Dave is a former U.S. Army officer and senior airline executive who works with leaders throughout the world.
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay