By Allison Iantosca, PCC
New England weather is a study in polarities.
Hang on. I was once told that talking about the weather is a lackluster stand-in for trust building at the start of a new relationship or conversation. That one should proffer an attempt at something more creative to demonstrate charisma and effort. I try to take this to heart but, as you can see, I quickly devolve into some weather-related anecdote.
Maybe it feels like a right as a born and raised New Englander. Palpable and tangible swings from one end of the weather spectrum to the other. We don’t have to talk ourselves out of one before another begins. I love the whole of it and would sense a loss or a lacking if I didn’t crave pure white snow in summer or emerald-green grass in the middle of winter. I know what it is to desire and resist. Were I to have one forever over the other, I know what the cost would be. I willingly pivot from pumpkin spice to evergreen.
It’s funny then, that this hardy stock of humans finds internal change so daunting! And I shouldn’t single us out; human beings in general like to live in the comfort of a single polarity period. We like to create norms in our behavior. To give us a sense of direction. A knowing. Something we can rely on that comes naturally and with ease.
In fact, sometimes we get so caught up in what we consider normal behavior that we argue, often with ourselves, that we’re onto something. The degree to which we think our polarity is right matches the degree to which we think the opposite is wrong.
For example, if you put all of your stock into structure you have little tolerance for anything that looks flexible or unplanned. You won’t accept it in yourself and so will be unrelenting in your devaluing of it in someone else. They. Are. Wrong.
But the truth is, they’re not. And you’re not. Rather, we learn how to stay safe. Maybe being structured was a way to stay ahead, especially if you didn’t feel like you learned as fast as others in the rigorous academic environment you grew up in. If you were sloppy or lacked rigor, you failed. Structure and rigidity were survival tactics. And you liked it, and you like it still.
The trouble is that any polarity has a downside. When you become a manager, for example, your rigidity doesn’t work quite as well. You are told you are too controlling, and it is impossible to make you happy. People start to quit, and it doesn’t make any sense to you. Why can’t people just do what you tell them to do already?
In our coaching work, we build your range: not by manhandling yourself into the other polarity but rather by appreciating the familiarity and the value you hold for the one you’re already in. Why do you like it so much? How has it served you? What are you afraid will happen if you stop?
Only then can we explore. Do you still need it? How is it getting in your way? What if you knew you still had it when you needed it but stopped letting it be your only tool? How might it feel to be a little different? What could you gain that you don’t now have?
We are such problem solvers. Executives are trained and rewarded on the fix and solution and strategy. But you can’t fix something that doesn’t feel broken. Coaching creates the container for exploration—what you love, what you will miss, what you stand to gain—and then the opportunity to apply meaningful and purposeful action to change.
It’s like letting go of one season for the next one. You can certainly offer pumpkin spice lattes July 4th Weekend, but you might miss the strawberry shortcake.
Allison Iantosca is a Gestalt International Study Center (GISC) trained coach certified by ICF with extensive leadership and management experience. She is an Executive Coach and is the Owner and President of Boston based FH Perry Builder.
Photo Credit: Chris Lawton Unsplash