By Lisa McNeill, PCC
Have you ever had a colleague or friend say something that you interpret one way only to find out – sometimes too late – that they meant something totally different?
My guess is this happens millions of times each day all around the world with varying degrees of impact.
Several months back, my best friend called to say she had an opportunity to attend a conference in my area and asked if the timing worked for me. “Yes!” I said with complete delight.
My friend Phyllis lives 500 miles away and, while we make an effort to see each other as much as possible, we never have enough time together. We’ve known each other since middle school, and she is the person I can go from laughing to crying, back to laughing again without getting tired. I believe we can tell each other anything without fear of judgement.
In an attempt to spend every last moment together, I offered to drop her off at the conference center in the morning and pick her up at night.
One night, on the way home, we were driving by the local hospital. It was dark and the parking lot lights were shining bright, and Phyllis said, “It’s beautiful.” It struck me as slightly odd; I had never thought of the building as particularly beautiful. I replied, “That’s our hospital.” We both got quiet for a minute, and I was thinking to myself, maybe it is a pretty building especially since the recent renovations. I should be more aware and appreciative of my surroundings. Then we were off again on a different subject, chatting happily away.
The next morning, on our drive to the conference center, we started talking about aging and some of the aches and pains that go along with it. Phyllis shared, “My ophthalmologist said I’m going to be happy when I can have cataract surgery – she said I’ll be able to see much better.” Phyllis has had bad vision ever since I’ve known her, so this felt big.
I asked her about the surgery: Yes, it is a standard surgery. No, she could not have it done now, but the doctor would let her know when it was time.
Then she got quiet and said, “Last night when you thought I was commenting that the hospital was pretty, I thought I was looking at water–not lights shining on a parking lot.”
“Well,” I said, “we did drive by the harbor about two minutes before that – I should have pointed it out.” We laughed, and I continued, “I was wondering what you found beautiful about the hospital.” That really made Phyllis laugh, which made me laugh.
One shared experience: two individual interpretations. Phyllis felt silly for thinking the hospital was the harbor and perhaps a little fragile at the reminder of her poor vision; I felt guilty for not appreciating the beauty of the renovated hospital, admonishing myself to do better. And at the time, we left it at that. Not fully understanding or appreciating each other’s experience of the moment.
And there’s the rub: we never actually know what another person is thinking unless we get curious and ask. No matter how well we know them, we are all shaped by our own experience, history, and social, physical and emotional conditions and needs at any given moment.
Recently, I had a meeting with one of my CEO clients, and a member of her executive team joined us. It was a good, honest, frank conversation. During the meeting, the VP had the opportunity to express that she is fearful of making a mistake in her line of work (building external relationships for the organization). We talked about what that meant for her and her approach to her work. We also talked about how the CEO and VP might talk things through when they hit “a bump in the road” about the size and scope of a project.
Afterwards, the CEO told me, “I didn’t realize (the team member) had a real fear of making a mistake. That’s really good insight.”
This is the kind of information we can gain if we slow down, get curious and ask open-ended questions, and then make room for listening to the answers.
Even the best of friends can misinterpret each other if they don’t use the tool of curiosity – I was grateful for the reminder!
Image by coffeeNwaffle from Pixabay
Lisa McNeill is an ICF-certified coach and consultant who works with leaders in a wide array of industries as well as those in transition. Throughout her career, she has worked to build and develop strong teams in international, regional and grassroots settings.