By Dave Bushy, PCC
Odd title this week. It combines the concept of “resistance” – an action against something – with the habit of expressing that resistance to individuals other than the original presenter of the idea – something we call “triangulation.”
It’s not uncommon. As an example, a subordinate can be asked to come up with new ideas for a marketing campaign. During the presentation, the boss provides a few comments and stipulates that the campaign be modified. The direct report makes no arguments, and, even though he or she might be disappointed, readily acquiesces and agrees to the change. The subordinate oftentimes has no choice, or the relationship has not yet developed to encourage verbalizing pushback to the boss. He or she just “salutes smartly”.
So far, so good. Or maybe not.
The meeting ends and the subordinate leaves. The next person entering the office gets an earful from the boss who was clearly unhappy with the presentation and had, as a result, felt compelled to make changes on the spot. “I can’t believe just how bad that presentation was. Doesn’t Smith have even a basic understanding of marketing? Why do I even keep that person around?”
Venting complete and message transmitted – or so we think.
Then the old game of telephone begins. The person leaves the office and speaks to the first person he or she might see and says something like, “The boss is really irritated with Smith. The presentation was a complete disaster and it sounds as if Smith is on thin ice – yet again. Which reminds me, I’ve always worried about Smith’s performance.”
And so it goes.
Resistance to external ideas is natural. We often feel vulnerable to change, especially when it doesn’t seem to serve us and so we “resist” it. My mentor coach appropriately calls it “energy” (hence the electrical diagram as a metaphor for this blog). When someone experiences disagreement with an idea, that is an expression of such energy. But when two energy sources (people) come together, some magical stuff can happen if they meet each other head on and talk through the disagreements and explore their differences and integrate their approaches into new ideas. That is the cornerstone of collaboration, co-creation and progress.
Too often, we don’t take the time to explore our own resistance and to talk it through with the other person. It is often easier to just suck it up and smile and then walk out of the room and complain to someone else, or, in the case of the boss, vent to the next person entering the office. Then the triangulation begins, with all its attendant negative consequences.
Exploring resistance together is hard work. It takes time and it takes something else – assessing our own thoughts and motivations first and realizing what is causing us to feel resistance. Is it fear? Is it a reluctance to have a challenging conversation with a person like the fictional “Smith.” Maybe it’s a lack of self-awareness of the consequences of not being forthright about our own feelings? Such internal work is critical. I call it “Name it to tame it.”
Once you’ve done that, the work becomes easier, as long as we frame any conversation with clear intentions:
- What do I want to accomplish in this conversation?
- What are my motivations?
- Am I in a role as a teacher, a mentor or a coach, or am I just holding someone accountable?
- What best serves both of us today?
In coaching we explore resistance often and invariably delve into the concept of triangulation. Both are ways of being that get practiced and become habits. Understanding how “Resistant Triangulation” costs us is key to our personal growth.
Dave Bushy of Boston Executive Coaches – bostonexecutivecoaches.com – is a an ICF-certified coach who was trained at the Gestalt International Study Center (GISC). Dave is a former U.S. Army officer and senior airline executive who works with leaders throughout the world.
Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay